if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
