I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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