saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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