you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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