Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
