I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize