I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
