Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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