that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize