Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
