I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
