I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
