It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
