so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
