just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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