As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize