my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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