You're earring is so big in my mouth
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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