I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
