I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize