is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All the doctor said was why
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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