Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
