Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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