just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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