she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
