You're a womanizer and a bitch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
