Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
