Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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