stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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