I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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