Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
