So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
