Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
