I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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