so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sext me about skeletons
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize