it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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