On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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