exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
