Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
