I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
