I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I supernannyed him into submission
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