Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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