so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
