so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
