She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
