D3 body, D1 cock
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
