So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
