I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
