I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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