The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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