She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
