The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
