i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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