Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
