My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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