I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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