When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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